


I'm sorry

by yssanne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU (Jessica lives), F/M, Ficlet, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 15:08:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2626223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yssanne/pseuds/yssanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam explains to Jess why he can't stay with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm sorry

Three words and yet I know you hate me for them. There just isn’t anything else I can offer you. If I should try to offer you friendship now it would seem demeaning, not worthy of what we had and still nothing more than it can be given.

I am sorry, you know.

It wasn’t your fault, any of it. Perhaps that you let yourself fall in love is, but that isn’t really something you can decide on. I was the one with secrets, the one who lacked faith in myself and him too. Never, never expected him to show up like that, from the shadows as was his nature. Even then I didn’t expect it would come to this, which was denial at its best.

You see, we always belonged.

Not to a place or anything as normal as a house is, no. Nothing irremovable, nothing we couldn’t take with us. We always belonged to each other. I lost everything when I was a baby, you know that: mother, childhood, lullabyes, dad’s laughter and the smell of freshly mown grass. All of it went away in just a couple of minutes as if it never existed (and for me it didn’t), as if none of us cared enough about it to stop it.

I lost it. He lost it. Dad lost it, but he at least had memories of her, of clocks spinning round and round with her by his side. He and I, nothing. Can you fault me for finding a sanctuary within him, can you fault him for finding his anchor in me? I won’t lie to you now, time for keeping things from you (when I believed I’d never see him again) has passed. For that though, I do blame myself. For thinking those who follow the winchester name would stay away from me if I stayed away from it.

Perhaps in some other life.

I did love you, what love I had left from him. Probably that doesn’t mean a thing now, but I dreamed about us. Ring on your finger, children, watching clocks together, all of that. I almost made myself forget that he and I are the hands on that clock, sometimes seemingly running away, but always going towards each other. Always within reach.

I’m sorry.

I wanted a different life. A ‘normal’ life. Nothing to hide away, nothing that couldn’t be joked about or written about. Nothing that needn’t be written about. I certainly didn’t want to tell him about it, he was always too wild to be kept between walls that don’t move and I didn’t want to make him feel like would have to. So I went away. Without giving him a real chance in making it work, without a chance to at least fight me I left. And then there was you and I loved you. I did. Not only the idea, the woman I was trying to find, you made me love you for you alone.

But that was than and now is now and I cannot stay. Don’t want to. I am sorry, but for all my love, I never belonged with you. If the life played us differently perhaps we would meet here and indeed live out our days together.

Perhaps.

(Somehow I feel my soul would belong with him even then.)


End file.
